the plan for iraq
posted 05/05/2005
I know how to end the war in Iraq, restore peace, and let the people remain unharmed. We've been sending the wrong people there. No disrespect to the men and women of our armed forces, but they're only human. We need to send TV characters!
I will assemble the greatest army of the 70s and 80s ...
... those are the masterminds and special forces. If they fail we will bring in our cartoon re-enforcements ...
Cartoon characters and tv characters have the best aim ever and never get shot. They are also wise beyond our capacities. We will win.
I will assemble the greatest army of the 70s and 80s ...
The A-Team
MacGuyver
Charlie's Angels
The Greatest American Hero
Knight Rider
... those are the masterminds and special forces. If they fail we will bring in our cartoon re-enforcements ...
G.I. Joe
He-Man
The Ninja Turtles
Voltron
Battle of the Planets (G-Force -- look it up)
Cartoon characters and tv characters have the best aim ever and never get shot. They are also wise beyond our capacities. We will win.
book geeks
posted 05/01/2005
There are all sorts of geeks in the world. The word "geek" brings to mind images of unwashed young men with a penchant for wearing black and engaging in one or more of the required activities: Dungeons and Dragons, video games, computers, Douglas Adams books, Star Trek, or Star Wars. There are other kinds of geeks, some that would never characterize themselves that way.
This morning I had to laugh out loud at some literary geeks. I was listening to a podcast of the public radio show "Book Worm" from KCRW in ***. The show features interviews with contemporary novelists. There I was innocently listening to this show and watching a small bird outside when I heard the host say, "That image of the lake filling Los Angeles becomes eventually a version of the amniotic sack bursting."
What?
My visual and internal imagery collided. I had been looking at the pastoral scene of the little bird pecking at a clump of wild flowers in the morning Spring sunshine. The innocent bird was deluged with a mental image of internal organs and rushing fluids. I'm not so sure that the bird survived the disaster.
The author in the podcast responded to the eye bleeding metaphor that the show's host had just uttered in the calm, quiet voice of a golf commentator. I was ready to hear an uncomfortable but polite denial. The author said, "Right, right." in a similar calm, quiet tone. I was caught between a grimace and a guffaw. The author continued, "I agree with that ... a new relationship with the reader ... I thought of the lake as the Earth's water breaking at the moment of labor."
One of the first landmarks on the road to being labeled a geek is that you speak of an obscure subject that confounds others and do so in your own insider terms. You pass the geek test when others tend to turn away from you after hearing you say something that bewilders or horrifies them.
Let's all test this out today, shall we? Walk up to someone you know and say, "amniotic sac bursting." Then watch the face of that person for signs of confusion, grimacing, or internal visual imagery. Oh, then you might also leave before that person starts wondering about you.
This morning I had to laugh out loud at some literary geeks. I was listening to a podcast of the public radio show "Book Worm" from KCRW in ***. The show features interviews with contemporary novelists. There I was innocently listening to this show and watching a small bird outside when I heard the host say, "That image of the lake filling Los Angeles becomes eventually a version of the amniotic sack bursting."
What?
My visual and internal imagery collided. I had been looking at the pastoral scene of the little bird pecking at a clump of wild flowers in the morning Spring sunshine. The innocent bird was deluged with a mental image of internal organs and rushing fluids. I'm not so sure that the bird survived the disaster.
The author in the podcast responded to the eye bleeding metaphor that the show's host had just uttered in the calm, quiet voice of a golf commentator. I was ready to hear an uncomfortable but polite denial. The author said, "Right, right." in a similar calm, quiet tone. I was caught between a grimace and a guffaw. The author continued, "I agree with that ... a new relationship with the reader ... I thought of the lake as the Earth's water breaking at the moment of labor."
One of the first landmarks on the road to being labeled a geek is that you speak of an obscure subject that confounds others and do so in your own insider terms. You pass the geek test when others tend to turn away from you after hearing you say something that bewilders or horrifies them.
Let's all test this out today, shall we? Walk up to someone you know and say, "amniotic sac bursting." Then watch the face of that person for signs of confusion, grimacing, or internal visual imagery. Oh, then you might also leave before that person starts wondering about you.
i'll never tell a lie
posted 04/19/2005
It's not often that you meet a historic figure. I mean the odds of getting on the train for your morning commute and actually speaking to a dead president are slim at best. You hear of someone having a fantastic experience like this rarely.
I'm that one person. I present to you the living, walking, talking General George Washington ...
... only now he's a lady.
I'm that one person. I present to you the living, walking, talking General George Washington ...
... only now he's a lady.
a letter to europe
posted 04/08/2005
Dear Europe,
We're not all crazy. I just wanted you to know. We're not all evangelical, conservative, bomb happy, uninformed, mindless drones.
There are lots of us non-crazy ones. We're trying to get free. We didn't vote for Bush. We don't let religion take responsibility for our actions. We don't scoff at anything that didn't come from our country. We're not that arrogant. It's just that we're struggling in a sea of fanatics.
You've had fanatics, too. Can anyone say Spanish Inquisition, Napoleon, Hitler? You understand that fanatics sound more exciting to the easily swayed. We are trying to overcome them, but facts and sense don't inspire the same fervor.
So, just wanted you to know. Wait for the crazy to get worked out.
Love,
Me
P.S. Tell Australia and Japan and everyone else while you're at it.
We're not all crazy. I just wanted you to know. We're not all evangelical, conservative, bomb happy, uninformed, mindless drones.
There are lots of us non-crazy ones. We're trying to get free. We didn't vote for Bush. We don't let religion take responsibility for our actions. We don't scoff at anything that didn't come from our country. We're not that arrogant. It's just that we're struggling in a sea of fanatics.
You've had fanatics, too. Can anyone say Spanish Inquisition, Napoleon, Hitler? You understand that fanatics sound more exciting to the easily swayed. We are trying to overcome them, but facts and sense don't inspire the same fervor.
So, just wanted you to know. Wait for the crazy to get worked out.
Love,
Me
P.S. Tell Australia and Japan and everyone else while you're at it.
the narrowly escaped lobotomy
posted 03/29/2005
I'm being monitored for an undisclosed period of time now. No conventional doctor has ordered this monitoring. I'm self-diagnosed and self-prescribed. I know what's best for me when there is a close call like this. No conventional doctor could understand the horror.
I went shopping.
Stop, I know what you're imagining at the sound of the word shopping. I cringe at your mind's picturing of fluorescent light in an Old Navy or crying children in carts at a Target. Those would have been bad enough. No, I went to an invitation only warehouse shoe sale.
We drove for a long time to find the place on the crude map we were given. It was industrial and creepy like we expected. I was comforted by the big parking lot and warehouse with metal siding. Trucks and loading docks made my heart warm. Then I saw the first of them, small tight haired women with big bags of loot. I was reminded that this wasn't a factory tour. It was shopping.
We walked up to the entrance and were marshaled into a long line between curtained walls. We were cattle being led into the warehouse. It was Disneyland. It was lines of people actually excited about shoes. It was a trick. Why was everything curtained off? What were they hiding? If it was only a shoe sale, then why mask the reality of what we were entering into? I looked down at my worn boots that needed replacing and started to think maybe they weren't so bad. Maybe I should go. It wasn't safe here.
The line crawled along as I imagined reasons for the walls of curtains. They were tempting people like me here, people who don't like to shop. They were getting us all here to pull us behind their curtain and perform what they generically call "the procedure." They would perform some sort of shopping lobotomy on me to brainwash me into liking shopping, commercials, shoes, sales, and things that come in pink or match.
I shuffled my feet and wiped the sweat from my brow as the line inched even closer to the entrance table. There sat innocent looking workers tagging the victims for the procedure. I looked back seeking escape but too many had formed the big line behind me. I had to go forward.
We got to the front and showed our invitation ticket for the shoe sale. They handed us each a big plastic garbage bag. Now I knew I was right. This was to put the parts of your brain in that they remove. The bag was for blood and brains. A smiling man asked if we knew how the sale worked. I figured that this was code for asking us if we needed the mild consumer implant or the super sized shopping special implant. He welcomed us in and let us past the curtain. It was a sight I had never seen before! I was aghast. The room was full of long tables. All the people who were in line ahead of us were now dragging their plastic garbage bags around like bad Santas. Their bags were full of ...
Shoes!
I got two pairs of boots and felt rather extravagant. I didn't get a lobotomy, but that doesn't mean they weren't trying to give me one.
I went shopping.
Stop, I know what you're imagining at the sound of the word shopping. I cringe at your mind's picturing of fluorescent light in an Old Navy or crying children in carts at a Target. Those would have been bad enough. No, I went to an invitation only warehouse shoe sale.
We drove for a long time to find the place on the crude map we were given. It was industrial and creepy like we expected. I was comforted by the big parking lot and warehouse with metal siding. Trucks and loading docks made my heart warm. Then I saw the first of them, small tight haired women with big bags of loot. I was reminded that this wasn't a factory tour. It was shopping.
We walked up to the entrance and were marshaled into a long line between curtained walls. We were cattle being led into the warehouse. It was Disneyland. It was lines of people actually excited about shoes. It was a trick. Why was everything curtained off? What were they hiding? If it was only a shoe sale, then why mask the reality of what we were entering into? I looked down at my worn boots that needed replacing and started to think maybe they weren't so bad. Maybe I should go. It wasn't safe here.
The line crawled along as I imagined reasons for the walls of curtains. They were tempting people like me here, people who don't like to shop. They were getting us all here to pull us behind their curtain and perform what they generically call "the procedure." They would perform some sort of shopping lobotomy on me to brainwash me into liking shopping, commercials, shoes, sales, and things that come in pink or match.
I shuffled my feet and wiped the sweat from my brow as the line inched even closer to the entrance table. There sat innocent looking workers tagging the victims for the procedure. I looked back seeking escape but too many had formed the big line behind me. I had to go forward.
We got to the front and showed our invitation ticket for the shoe sale. They handed us each a big plastic garbage bag. Now I knew I was right. This was to put the parts of your brain in that they remove. The bag was for blood and brains. A smiling man asked if we knew how the sale worked. I figured that this was code for asking us if we needed the mild consumer implant or the super sized shopping special implant. He welcomed us in and let us past the curtain. It was a sight I had never seen before! I was aghast. The room was full of long tables. All the people who were in line ahead of us were now dragging their plastic garbage bags around like bad Santas. Their bags were full of ...
Shoes!
I got two pairs of boots and felt rather extravagant. I didn't get a lobotomy, but that doesn't mean they weren't trying to give me one.
